Meltdowns can build up over time or happen seemingly out of nowhere going from zero to 100 in a second. This is about the ‘build up over time’ — over months, type of meltdown, and I struggled to put this into words.
Since originally posting, months after it happened, recent conversations with autistic friends, not directly about meltdowns, have enabled me to find more words and rewrite this intro. (May 2018)
Stress affects my ability to translate from autistic into non autistic, to communicate and think in neurotypical ways. What follows has played out so many times in my life — a silent response, an inability to get to words, or getting to the ‘wrong’ words, makes others doubt my abilities and question my professional experience. It’s like being in the same accident over and over, in slow motion, knowing exactly what the outcome will be, but being unable to stop it. And in the process I can feel my self dissolving. Usually in this situation nothing is said, but I’m acutely aware that the person has, (metaphorically) crossed me off their contact list.
This situation was different — the other person did say something which triggered the meltdown. The complex dynamic is difficult to describe in words. Using a poetic form enables me to write about the experience, and writing about it helps.
Sympathy and understanding also help. Being advised to deal with things better — does not. Though, “the incident”, opened up a place for dialogue, and moved understanding on.
It was a red day
matches had been burned months ago
Consciously or unconsciously you noticed
the many small failures to speak and
convey information in a timely way and
respond ‘appropriately’ and
direct others —
and these ‘failures’
would invite you to make a judgement
and feel confident in your abilities to do this
comfortable in your skin
in your environment
and culminate in your decision to let me know
and confirm that I’d failed on other things too
this was necessary
and if only I had stayed to hear you out
you could have explained these failures in more detail.
IMAGE Photo showing the bottom edge of a navy and white striped T shirt running diagonally across the lower part of the image from top left to bottom right with dark blue denim filling the remaining diagonal top area of the image. There is a small highlight of light on the T Shirt in the bottom right corner of the image, and a small lit area on the blue denim in the top right of the image.
#selectivemutism #autism #autistic #actuallyautistic #neurodivergent #neurodiverse #workplace #employment #meltdown #shutdown